"Finna puddin'."
I turned from the kitchen sink, the water still running and asked my husband, "What's finna puddin'?"
My husband had just woken up. He was still sleepy after too many days in a row of too much work and not enough sleep.
I had exactly 4 minutes to wash the water bottle, fill it, pack the backpack, convince my child that yes, you need to put shoes on now or you'll be late for school, get dressed, throw on shoes, grab my purse and keys and fly out the door.
Sleepy mumbling husband and frantic wife do not make for good communication at 7:56 in the morning.
"Finna puddin'."
This small phrase reminded me of how many times wires get crossed in communication, how many times we, as humans, are convinced that we know exactly what the other person is saying. And how many times our own experiences get in the way of actually hearing the other person.
A simple "I thought the other dress was just fine," could unleash upon a well-meaning husband a deluge of tears from a wife who is feeling insecure about her weight. "I thought the other dress was fine" to her sounds like a nice way of saying, "You look fatter in that one."
A heartfelt, "This isn't working for us," from a wife could cause a husband whose own parents went through a bitter divorce to enter a full blown panic attack when all his wife meant was perhaps they needed to increase the number of dates they were having each month. "This isn't working for us" suddenly sounds to him like, "I'm leaving you."
"Finna puddin'"
Like my husband is not typically a morning person and I was overwhelmed with the pre-school day rush, so often our own perceptions, past experiences, hot spots, fears, insecurities can cause us to hear something other than what is actually being said.
"Finna puddin'" can hurt feelings, start an argument, end a friendship, put a rift between boss and employee, start a war.
It takes the willingness to stop and really connect with the person talking, to be still and open and sometimes even check in, "Do you mean I look fat in this dress?" "Are you thinking of leaving me?" and then being willing to hear, truly hear the answer. Connectedness and clear communication sometimes requires us to be aware of our hot spots, our insecurities, our filters.
Try it out. Call a friend and do nothing but listen to what he is saying. Put the iPhone down and look at your husband while he tells you about his day. Listen to the tone in the cashier's voice when you ask her how she is today.
"Finna puddin'"
"What's finna puddin'?"
My husband laughed. "The proof is in the pudding."
I know it is a saying but I don't really know what it means. But that is another post for another day.
