Crossed wires

"Finna puddin'."

I turned from the kitchen sink, the water still running and asked my husband, "What's finna puddin'?"

My husband had just woken up.  He was still sleepy after too many days in a row of too much work and not enough sleep. 

I had exactly 4 minutes to wash the water bottle, fill it, pack the backpack, convince my child that yes, you need to put shoes on now or you'll be late for school, get dressed, throw on shoes, grab my purse and keys and fly out the door. 

Sleepy mumbling husband and frantic wife do not make for good communication at 7:56 in the morning.

"Finna puddin'."

This small phrase reminded me of how many times wires get crossed in communication, how many times we, as humans, are convinced that we know exactly what the other person is saying.  And how many times our own experiences get in the way of actually hearing the other person.

A simple "I thought the other dress was just fine," could unleash upon a well-meaning husband a deluge of tears from a wife who is feeling insecure about her weight.  "I thought the other dress was fine" to her sounds like a nice way of saying, "You look fatter in that one."

A heartfelt, "This isn't working for us," from a  wife could cause a husband whose own parents went through a bitter divorce to enter a full blown panic attack when all his wife meant was perhaps they needed to increase the number of dates they were having each month.  "This isn't working for us" suddenly sounds to him like, "I'm leaving you."

"Finna puddin'"

Like my husband is not typically a morning person and I was overwhelmed with the pre-school day rush, so often our own perceptions, past experiences, hot spots, fears, insecurities can cause us to hear something other than what is actually being said.

"Finna puddin'" can hurt feelings, start an argument, end a friendship, put a rift between boss and employee, start a war.

It takes the willingness to stop and really connect with the person talking, to be still and open and sometimes even check in, "Do you mean I look fat in this dress?"  "Are you thinking of leaving me?" and then being willing to hear, truly hear the answer.  Connectedness and clear communication sometimes requires us to be aware of our hot spots, our insecurities, our filters.

Try it out.  Call a friend and do nothing but listen to what he is saying.  Put the iPhone down and look at your husband while he tells you about his day.  Listen to the tone in the cashier's voice when you ask her how she is today. 

"Finna puddin'"

"What's finna puddin'?"

My husband laughed.  "The proof is in the pudding."

I know it is a saying but I don't really know what it means.  But that is another post for another day. 

Parents still have sex?

Research shows that 70% of married couples experience a significant decrease in relational and sexual intimacy after the birth of their first child.

It is all well and good for couples to know that many parents experience less connection in their marriage.  Add jobs, housework, stress and it makes it even more difficult to connect in your marriage.  Honestly, how many parents of young children even have the energy at the end of the day for some serious connecting?

FamilyEducation.com offers these 10 tips to spice up your marriage.

1. Hold hands

2. Be romantic at home - Romance doesn't necessarily mean anything grand.  Being loving can be very simple.

3. Make sex a priority - I would change that to make sensuality a priority.  Never know where a good back rub might take you.

4. Do some little gesture just because - A man I know brings his wife a cup of tea every night.  Every single night for over 30 years.  Little gestures add up to something wonderful.

5. Pretend you just met - Get to know each other on a date.  Yes, a real date where you go out, without spilled apple juice on your clothes, and talk about things that interest you - not how to get your picky eater to start liking broccoli.

6. Feel good about yourself - if you don't, do something about it!

7. Get dressed up - A friend has a running joke with her husband.  He says, "You're wearing make-up.  What friends are we seeing tonight?" 

8. Compliment your spouse - Everyone likes a compliment.  Don't go fishing for one, give one first.

9. Let your partner know what makes you feel special  - Sometimes what feels special changes over time.  Start by asking your partner what makes him or her feel special.

10. Communicate - anyway you can.  Text, notes tapes to the microwave, etc. - One busy couple I know uses a notebook to write notes back and forth.  Sometimes they are family business.  Sometimes cute doodles.  But it is connection when their schedules are full.


Be well,

Rebecca

Keeping connected in your marriage

Peter Fraenkel, PhD, psychotherapist and Professor of Clinical Psychology, author of Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage argues,

       "most relationship problems can be traced to partners being out of sync on the powerful but mostly hidden dimension of time." 

It is not too hard to see what he means.  More and more couples are becoming dual-earning families, kids needs shuffling around, financial stress abounds, and at the end of the day, there is still housework needs to be done.

There doesn't need to be illness, chronic pain, anxiety, or depression for couples to feel stressed in their marriage.  (Though certainly those things can exacerbate the issue.)

At a recent lecture I attended downtown, Fraenkel suggested the 60-Second Pleasure Points for couples to stay connected.

Here is how it works:

1. Brainstorm as a couple fun, pleasurable, and/or sensual things that can be done in 60-seconds.

2. Think of ways to connect when not together.  (i.e., texts to say hi, emails reminding each other of fun things you did when first married or dating, etc.)

3. Allot 60 seconds in morning, afternoon, and evening just to reconnect through any means.  A hug.  A kiss.  A text.  Or...  All it takes is 3 minutes a day.  Just three minutes. 


When you look at it three minutes really isn't too much to ask.  Have fun with it.  Three minutes a day may not be enough to solve more ingrained marital conflict or marriage issues.  In that case, consult with a qualified therapist or counselor in your area.  But when you look at the busy daily schedule you have, three minutes is completely achievable.

Have fun thinking of 60 minute pleasure points!

Rebecca