Crossed wires

"Finna puddin'."

I turned from the kitchen sink, the water still running and asked my husband, "What's finna puddin'?"

My husband had just woken up.  He was still sleepy after too many days in a row of too much work and not enough sleep. 

I had exactly 4 minutes to wash the water bottle, fill it, pack the backpack, convince my child that yes, you need to put shoes on now or you'll be late for school, get dressed, throw on shoes, grab my purse and keys and fly out the door. 

Sleepy mumbling husband and frantic wife do not make for good communication at 7:56 in the morning.

"Finna puddin'."

This small phrase reminded me of how many times wires get crossed in communication, how many times we, as humans, are convinced that we know exactly what the other person is saying.  And how many times our own experiences get in the way of actually hearing the other person.

A simple "I thought the other dress was just fine," could unleash upon a well-meaning husband a deluge of tears from a wife who is feeling insecure about her weight.  "I thought the other dress was fine" to her sounds like a nice way of saying, "You look fatter in that one."

A heartfelt, "This isn't working for us," from a  wife could cause a husband whose own parents went through a bitter divorce to enter a full blown panic attack when all his wife meant was perhaps they needed to increase the number of dates they were having each month.  "This isn't working for us" suddenly sounds to him like, "I'm leaving you."

"Finna puddin'"

Like my husband is not typically a morning person and I was overwhelmed with the pre-school day rush, so often our own perceptions, past experiences, hot spots, fears, insecurities can cause us to hear something other than what is actually being said.

"Finna puddin'" can hurt feelings, start an argument, end a friendship, put a rift between boss and employee, start a war.

It takes the willingness to stop and really connect with the person talking, to be still and open and sometimes even check in, "Do you mean I look fat in this dress?"  "Are you thinking of leaving me?" and then being willing to hear, truly hear the answer.  Connectedness and clear communication sometimes requires us to be aware of our hot spots, our insecurities, our filters.

Try it out.  Call a friend and do nothing but listen to what he is saying.  Put the iPhone down and look at your husband while he tells you about his day.  Listen to the tone in the cashier's voice when you ask her how she is today. 

"Finna puddin'"

"What's finna puddin'?"

My husband laughed.  "The proof is in the pudding."

I know it is a saying but I don't really know what it means.  But that is another post for another day. 

You are whole and other truths

In my life, in my work, there is a quote I keep close to my heart:

"As long as you're breathing, there is more right with you than wrong with you, no matter what is wrong with you." - Kabat-Zinn

What does this mean?  It means that divorce, childhood trauma, parenting an oppositional teen, chronic pain, job loss, panic attacks, depression - there is still more right with you than there is wrong.

No matter our history, our successes and failures, we are already whole.  And the courage to be whole, to look at what inside pains the most, to let it exist alongside what brings the greatest joy, that is moment of the greatest potential.

So often people try to hide the parts of themselves they are ashamed of.  They try to ignore their fear.  Stuff their sadness.  We want to be good.  We want to be happy.

And what does volumes of research over decades show?

You want to be happy?  Accept you won't always be happy.  It is impossible.  Want to stop feeling afraid?  Be willing to feel your fear, get into it, and see what its about.  Fear, shame, sadness, it only grows with neglect. 

Embracing who we are, being open to the good and the ugly in each of us, therein lies the wisdom that there is indeed, more right with us than there is wrong with us.

- Rebecca

What to tell kids about divorce

Divorce happens.  With the amount of pressure people are under, it seems to be happening a bit more these days.  The adults' own feelings about the divorce are a big enough of an undertaking, but what and when to tell your children is an important component to consider.

Just like when communicating with children about other big events in life (illness in the family, moving, new sibling), it is important to remember a few things:

1) Keep the content age appropriate.  Use words that are typical for that child's everyday language.

2) Answer questions honestly, even if the answer if "I don't know, but I know you'll be ok."

3) Tell children in different age groups separately to attend effectively to their varying needs.

4) Practice aloud in your car or someplace private so that you can be as clear and calm as possible when speaking to your children.

5) Avoid language that might put your child in the middle.

For more tips, here is a great introductory article in Family Education.

If needed, be sure to enlist the help of a qualified professional in your area to support you or your children. With the school year coming up, be sure to inform teachers and school social workers so they can look out for your children during the day.  This is a big change for everybody involved.  Be sure to take good care and access any resources you need.

Be well,

Rebecca

Keeping connected in your marriage

Peter Fraenkel, PhD, psychotherapist and Professor of Clinical Psychology, author of Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage argues,

       "most relationship problems can be traced to partners being out of sync on the powerful but mostly hidden dimension of time." 

It is not too hard to see what he means.  More and more couples are becoming dual-earning families, kids needs shuffling around, financial stress abounds, and at the end of the day, there is still housework needs to be done.

There doesn't need to be illness, chronic pain, anxiety, or depression for couples to feel stressed in their marriage.  (Though certainly those things can exacerbate the issue.)

At a recent lecture I attended downtown, Fraenkel suggested the 60-Second Pleasure Points for couples to stay connected.

Here is how it works:

1. Brainstorm as a couple fun, pleasurable, and/or sensual things that can be done in 60-seconds.

2. Think of ways to connect when not together.  (i.e., texts to say hi, emails reminding each other of fun things you did when first married or dating, etc.)

3. Allot 60 seconds in morning, afternoon, and evening just to reconnect through any means.  A hug.  A kiss.  A text.  Or...  All it takes is 3 minutes a day.  Just three minutes. 


When you look at it three minutes really isn't too much to ask.  Have fun with it.  Three minutes a day may not be enough to solve more ingrained marital conflict or marriage issues.  In that case, consult with a qualified therapist or counselor in your area.  But when you look at the busy daily schedule you have, three minutes is completely achievable.

Have fun thinking of 60 minute pleasure points!

Rebecca