The Teen Brain - Why Your Teen Is Crazy

It is not by coincidence that car rental companies do not rent to drivers under 25.

According to National Institutes of Health research scientist Dr. Jay Giedd, the teen brain is under construction beginning 11 for girls and 13 for boys.  During that time, the part of the brain that governs impulse control, judgement, and decision-making doesn't fully develop until 25. 

As Michael Bradley, Ed.D. says, "Mother nature...has a sense of humor because the renovations are done in the wrong order.  She starts in the back with the social and emotional needs (impulses, risk-taking, sexual drives).  The prefrontal cortex (executive functioning, logical decision-making) develops later.  Some joke!"

What does this mean for a parent?

Your teen is in a high risk-taking and high sexual drive phase BEFORE she has the ability to make logical, healthy decisions.  It does well to remember, your teen doesn't mean to act crazy, she doesn't mean to drive YOU crazy.  You're in this together, and with some patience, love, and healthy boundaries, you'll make it out of it together.

Be well,

Rebecca

You are whole and other truths

In my life, in my work, there is a quote I keep close to my heart:

"As long as you're breathing, there is more right with you than wrong with you, no matter what is wrong with you." - Kabat-Zinn

What does this mean?  It means that divorce, childhood trauma, parenting an oppositional teen, chronic pain, job loss, panic attacks, depression - there is still more right with you than there is wrong.

No matter our history, our successes and failures, we are already whole.  And the courage to be whole, to look at what inside pains the most, to let it exist alongside what brings the greatest joy, that is moment of the greatest potential.

So often people try to hide the parts of themselves they are ashamed of.  They try to ignore their fear.  Stuff their sadness.  We want to be good.  We want to be happy.

And what does volumes of research over decades show?

You want to be happy?  Accept you won't always be happy.  It is impossible.  Want to stop feeling afraid?  Be willing to feel your fear, get into it, and see what its about.  Fear, shame, sadness, it only grows with neglect. 

Embracing who we are, being open to the good and the ugly in each of us, therein lies the wisdom that there is indeed, more right with us than there is wrong with us.

- Rebecca

What happened to my sweet, adorable kid?

When our children are young, their never ending wonder at the world is contagious.  Just by walking alongside them, we are reminded of the wonder of spring, of the joy of counting all the way to 100, of how soothing it is to cuddle and read a book.  Having a child is, in my opinion, one of the most rewarding experiences we as human beings can go through.

Then somewhere along the line, things change.  Your child's beautiful eyes start to roll.  Songs you sang as a family become lame.  And the hero you once were in your child's eyes morphs into someone archaic, annoying, and embarrassing. 

Where once your child held your hand to cross the street, you are now instructed - in not-so-subtle ways - to drop them off a block from the mall, not to text them under any circumstances, and please, for the love of all that is good in the world, do NOT call their friends' parents to make sure a parent is going to be home.


Your little one is gone and has been replaced by a lunatic spewing obscenities and sass.

Your child grew into an adolescent and you couldn't be more heart broken.

I will defer to the expertise of Dr. Michael Bradley to explain this transformation:


"Teenagerdom" happened. A growing body of neurological research shows quite clearly that teen brains undergo previously unknown, complex changes that account for many of the perplexing behaviors that have always worried parents of teens. These changes temporarily whack many aspects of kids’ lives to include their organization skills, regulation of emotions, motivation, and, last but not least, impulse control. If you picture yourself trying to live in a house that's undergoing massive renovations, you have a sense of what life is often like for a young teen: Nothing works right, you can't find what you need, and sometimes the chaos makes you just want to scream."


In short, as Dr. Bradley would say, adolescents are crazy.  While that adds some understanding to why you are standing outside a locked bathroom door insisting it be unlocked, it may also help to shed light on one simple truth:

It is ok, and common, and completely natural to grieve the loss of your sweet child.  A big change has happened and all of the warm, cozy feelings you might have gotten from parenting your little one is gone.  Its like you've been eating the best European chocolate all of these years and now - no sweets for you.

A common reaction to feelings of rejection and pain?  To go the other way.  So often parents take their teen's expletives as a sign they should retreat.  On the contrary.  Your adolescent needs you more than ever.  They need someone brave enough to hold a candle for values.  To hold a sign that says they are loved no matter what (though don't really hold a sign up, lest you embarrass the heck out of them).  See their kicking back as a strengthening exercise for when they need to navigate their lives on their own two strong legs.  Give them space but don't disappear.  Tend to your sadness (and perhaps consequential anger) and know that, in time, this too shall pass.

Best to you,

Rebecca

Children and Gratitude

It is around now that I start thinking about the difference between need and want.  When I was a kid, my brother and I would gather all of the catalogues we had in the house and circle everything we wanted for Christmas.  Kids are still kids and the catalogues keep on coming.

It seems to me that there is the potential for more this time of year: more gratitude, more heart, more community. 

Here are some ideas of bringing more of what counts into the lives of ourselves and our families:


Gratitiude

Research has been done that shows thankfulness and gratitiude can improve a person's health, help them sleep better, and stay connected with a sense of community when feeling low. 

This is what Jennifer Miller suggests: "Make a point before each member of the family goes off to school and work to look for specific ways to appreciate them."

How about a note of gratitiude in school lunches?



Interdependence

Polly Young-Eisendrath, author of The Self-Esteem Trap, says that when children feel a part of something larger, and the interconnectedness bewteen us all, they have a healthier sense of self.

To give children a true sense of contribution, plan a task that will require a little elbow grease.  Bundle up and go for a walk together in the neighborhood collecting pennies for The World Wildlife Fund.  Go through outgrown hats and gloves and bring them to a nearby women's shelter.  Or maybe make cards to bring to the nearest nursing home.  These small gestures, help give children a sense that we are all in this together.


Heart

To know my husband well is to know that he loves to sing.  In the shower, making breakfast, during stressful times, and definitely around the holidays, my husband brings music into our homes.  (Thank goodness he has a beautiful singing voice!)  Music, singing puts smiles on people's faces and lifts the hearts of many. 

Gather a group of people to go singing this holiday season.  You can sing in your neighborhood, local elderly community, or I've even heard of kids singing at no-kill animal shelters.  Or like Clark Griswald would surely tell us, sing in the car.

Not the singing type?  Think of other ways to bring heart to your holidays.  What greater gift is there than love?


Peace to you and those you love,

Rebecca

 

Parenting simplified

“To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.”

- Josh Billings

What to tell kids about divorce

Divorce happens.  With the amount of pressure people are under, it seems to be happening a bit more these days.  The adults' own feelings about the divorce are a big enough of an undertaking, but what and when to tell your children is an important component to consider.

Just like when communicating with children about other big events in life (illness in the family, moving, new sibling), it is important to remember a few things:

1) Keep the content age appropriate.  Use words that are typical for that child's everyday language.

2) Answer questions honestly, even if the answer if "I don't know, but I know you'll be ok."

3) Tell children in different age groups separately to attend effectively to their varying needs.

4) Practice aloud in your car or someplace private so that you can be as clear and calm as possible when speaking to your children.

5) Avoid language that might put your child in the middle.

For more tips, here is a great introductory article in Family Education.

If needed, be sure to enlist the help of a qualified professional in your area to support you or your children. With the school year coming up, be sure to inform teachers and school social workers so they can look out for your children during the day.  This is a big change for everybody involved.  Be sure to take good care and access any resources you need.

Be well,

Rebecca

When kids get stressed

Kids get stressed just like everyone else.  Be it parents divorcing, illness in the family, a teacher they don't like, issues with friends, academic performance issues, kids are out there learning to navigate the world. 

This article from Family Education provides good tips for helping your kids cope with stress.  Check it out!

Of course if your child is struggling and your efforts have not seemed to make much of a difference, most schools have social workers or teachers you can talk to.  Enlist the assistance of a therapist or counselor in your area if you feel you or your child needs additional support. 

Be well,

Rebecca

Teach your kids about money

Money, finances, debt, the economy, it is on all of our minds in some way or another.  Either we need more or we are trying to protect what we have.  As parents, this is particularly important and fantastic time to teach our children how to have a healthy relationship with money, how to manage it properly, and how to be mindful of where it goes.

Here are 10 tips to teaching kids about money by Paul Richard


1.       As soon as children can count, introduce them to money.

2.      Communicate with children as they grow about your values concerning money

3.      Help children learn the differences between needs, wants, and wishes.

4.      Setting goals is fundamental to learning the value of money and saving.

5.       Introduce children to the value of saving versus spending.

6.      When giving children an allowance, give them the money in denominations that encourage saving.

7.       Take children to a credit union or bank to open their own savings accounts.

8.      Keeping good records of money saved, invested, or spent is another important skill young people must learn.

9.      Use regular shopping trips as opportunities to teach children the value of money.

10.   Allow young people to make spending decisions.

For more information, check out Family Education at: http://life.familyeducation.com/money-and-kids/parenting/36332.html#ixzz1uIMbB28a

Be well,

Rebecca

Are your thoughts stressing you out?

Imagine if we had the ability to create our realities with just our thoughts.  We could think our way to financial stability, greater health, extreme happiness. While our reality cannot simply appear through mere thoughts, we do have an incredible amount of control over our thoughts and how we choose to perceive what is happening in our lives.

Aaron Beck, psychiatrist and professor, is considered the founding father of Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  His model "describes how people’s perceptions of, or spontaneous thoughts about, situations influence their emotional, behavioral (and often physiological) reactions."

Hundreds of clinical trials and research shows that by addressing our thoughts and the behaviors that follow, we are able to successfully ameliorate a wide range of difficulties such as depression, anxiety, emotional and behavioral components of chronic pain & illness, stress, anger, relationship difficulties, eating disorders, substance abuse, parenting and the list goes on.

Here are some of the top thought patterns that can stand in our way:

ALL OR NOTHING THINKING
       
Thinking of things in terms of "always", "every", or "never".  For example, if a mother thinks to herself, "My son is always acting up.", she is likely to parent from this clouded vision and not look at the whole picture.  Is it possible for a child to ALWAYS act up?  Not when they are sleeping.   But if a parent cannot allow herself to see the good times, she is more likely to miss them.


MENTAL FILTER

Focusing on only certain, usually negative, aspects of something.  For example, if a woman experiencing financial stress and decides to take on a second job, her mental filter might be, "Yes, but it is so low paying."  Rather than, "I am so grateful to have this second job."  It can be difficult being around people with this kind of mental filter.  They are often considered "negative" or to be "complaining all of the time".  It is always possible to find something positive even if it is just the fact the sun is shining or I have a good friend.


SHOULDING

This is a form of judgment geared either towards oneself or another.  A close relative to All or Nothing Thinking, Shoulding looks something like this, "That mom should put her kid in a time out." or "I should have known she would have divorced me."  Should does not leave a lot of room for our humanness.  As a wise woman once told me, "We know nothing."  We cannot know the entire picture of what is going on for a mom with a tantruming child in the grocery.  And we cannot possibly be able to predict the actions of another.


PERSONALIZATION

It is considered "the mother of guilt".  This is where one person holds themselves solely responsible for an event that isn't under their control. Examples would be "I made him get mad.", "My cancer is my fault.", "I was too critical and now she can't stop drinking."  A good anecdote to this one is to gently, with a sense of humor, remind ourselves that none of us are the center of the galaxy.  The sun has dibs on that one. 


See if you can catch yourself making any of these false thoughts.  As always, if you are experiencing difficulties, contact a profesisonal in your area.

Be well,

Rebecca

How stressed are you?

Let me preface this post by saying that "stress" can take on a variety of meanings.  How we experience stress largely has to do with the nature of the stressor and our own personalities. 

In 1967, psychiatrists Holmes & Rahe set out to study the relationship between stress and illness.  They surveyed 5,000 people and asked if they had experienced any of a list life events in the previous two years.  Through the study, they were able to rank stressful life events from most stressful to the least.  Here is what they came up with from most stressful to least:

1. Death of Spouse
2. Divorce
3. Marital Separation
4. Jail term
5. Death of close family member
6. Personal injury, illness (I add chronic pain to this one)
7. Marriage
8. Fired at work
9. Marital reconciliation
10. Retirement
11. Change in health of family member
12. Pregnancy
13. Sex difficulties
14. Gain of new family member
15. Business readjustment
16. Change in financial state
17. Death of close friend
18. Change to a different line of work
19. Change in number of arguments with spouse
20. A large mortgage or loan
21. Foreclosure of mortgage
22. Change in responsibilities at work
23. Son or daughter leaving home
24. Trouble with in-laws
25. Outstanding personal achievement
26. Spouse begins or stops work
27. Begin or end school/college
28. Change in living conditions
29. Revision of personal habits
30. Trouble with boss
31. Change in work hours
32. Change in residence
33. Change in school/college
34. Change in recreation
35. Change in church activities
36. A moderate loan or mortgage
37. Change in sleeping habits
38. Change in number of family get-togethers
39. Change in eating habits
40. Vacation
41. Christmas
42. Minor violation of law

If you take a quick scan of this list, you may be surprised that positive events such as getting married, conceiving or retirement are near the top of the list.  Why?  Because even joyous occasions such as getting married, an outstanding personal achievement, or promotion create change in our daily routines. When our daily routine are altered by even something wonderful, we may become busier with all of the exciting things that are happening, we may be spending more money, we may be busier with preparations. The theme here is change. 
The other note about this list, is that people are multi-faceted.  When we take a look at ourselves from a holistic point of view, it makes sense that one event would effect the overall balance in our lives.  For example, chronic pain as a "stressful event" could effect sleeping habits, change in recreation, etc.  Change in responsibilities at work could create difficulties in change in recreation, change in work hours, etc.

How can this list be helpful?

Sometimes when overwhelmed, it can help to break it down, to see the trickling effect of how one main event can impact our lives.  The fact that positive changes are listed also lend some validation to otherwise confusing emotions such as "I've just gotten a promotion, so why am I so stressed?" or "My kids are finally out of the house, so why am I miserable?"

Use the list to help get perspective on stress.  This act of kindness may go a long way to de-stressing.

Be well,

Rebecca