Are your thoughts stressing you out?

Imagine if we had the ability to create our realities with just our thoughts.  We could think our way to financial stability, greater health, extreme happiness. While our reality cannot simply appear through mere thoughts, we do have an incredible amount of control over our thoughts and how we choose to perceive what is happening in our lives.

Aaron Beck, psychiatrist and professor, is considered the founding father of Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  His model "describes how people’s perceptions of, or spontaneous thoughts about, situations influence their emotional, behavioral (and often physiological) reactions."

Hundreds of clinical trials and research shows that by addressing our thoughts and the behaviors that follow, we are able to successfully ameliorate a wide range of difficulties such as depression, anxiety, emotional and behavioral components of chronic pain & illness, stress, anger, relationship difficulties, eating disorders, substance abuse, parenting and the list goes on.

Here are some of the top thought patterns that can stand in our way:

ALL OR NOTHING THINKING
       
Thinking of things in terms of "always", "every", or "never".  For example, if a mother thinks to herself, "My son is always acting up.", she is likely to parent from this clouded vision and not look at the whole picture.  Is it possible for a child to ALWAYS act up?  Not when they are sleeping.   But if a parent cannot allow herself to see the good times, she is more likely to miss them.


MENTAL FILTER

Focusing on only certain, usually negative, aspects of something.  For example, if a woman experiencing financial stress and decides to take on a second job, her mental filter might be, "Yes, but it is so low paying."  Rather than, "I am so grateful to have this second job."  It can be difficult being around people with this kind of mental filter.  They are often considered "negative" or to be "complaining all of the time".  It is always possible to find something positive even if it is just the fact the sun is shining or I have a good friend.


SHOULDING

This is a form of judgment geared either towards oneself or another.  A close relative to All or Nothing Thinking, Shoulding looks something like this, "That mom should put her kid in a time out." or "I should have known she would have divorced me."  Should does not leave a lot of room for our humanness.  As a wise woman once told me, "We know nothing."  We cannot know the entire picture of what is going on for a mom with a tantruming child in the grocery.  And we cannot possibly be able to predict the actions of another.


PERSONALIZATION

It is considered "the mother of guilt".  This is where one person holds themselves solely responsible for an event that isn't under their control. Examples would be "I made him get mad.", "My cancer is my fault.", "I was too critical and now she can't stop drinking."  A good anecdote to this one is to gently, with a sense of humor, remind ourselves that none of us are the center of the galaxy.  The sun has dibs on that one. 


See if you can catch yourself making any of these false thoughts.  As always, if you are experiencing difficulties, contact a profesisonal in your area.

Be well,

Rebecca

How stressed are you?

Let me preface this post by saying that "stress" can take on a variety of meanings.  How we experience stress largely has to do with the nature of the stressor and our own personalities. 

In 1967, psychiatrists Holmes & Rahe set out to study the relationship between stress and illness.  They surveyed 5,000 people and asked if they had experienced any of a list life events in the previous two years.  Through the study, they were able to rank stressful life events from most stressful to the least.  Here is what they came up with from most stressful to least:

1. Death of Spouse
2. Divorce
3. Marital Separation
4. Jail term
5. Death of close family member
6. Personal injury, illness (I add chronic pain to this one)
7. Marriage
8. Fired at work
9. Marital reconciliation
10. Retirement
11. Change in health of family member
12. Pregnancy
13. Sex difficulties
14. Gain of new family member
15. Business readjustment
16. Change in financial state
17. Death of close friend
18. Change to a different line of work
19. Change in number of arguments with spouse
20. A large mortgage or loan
21. Foreclosure of mortgage
22. Change in responsibilities at work
23. Son or daughter leaving home
24. Trouble with in-laws
25. Outstanding personal achievement
26. Spouse begins or stops work
27. Begin or end school/college
28. Change in living conditions
29. Revision of personal habits
30. Trouble with boss
31. Change in work hours
32. Change in residence
33. Change in school/college
34. Change in recreation
35. Change in church activities
36. A moderate loan or mortgage
37. Change in sleeping habits
38. Change in number of family get-togethers
39. Change in eating habits
40. Vacation
41. Christmas
42. Minor violation of law

If you take a quick scan of this list, you may be surprised that positive events such as getting married, conceiving or retirement are near the top of the list.  Why?  Because even joyous occasions such as getting married, an outstanding personal achievement, or promotion create change in our daily routines. When our daily routine are altered by even something wonderful, we may become busier with all of the exciting things that are happening, we may be spending more money, we may be busier with preparations. The theme here is change. 
The other note about this list, is that people are multi-faceted.  When we take a look at ourselves from a holistic point of view, it makes sense that one event would effect the overall balance in our lives.  For example, chronic pain as a "stressful event" could effect sleeping habits, change in recreation, etc.  Change in responsibilities at work could create difficulties in change in recreation, change in work hours, etc.

How can this list be helpful?

Sometimes when overwhelmed, it can help to break it down, to see the trickling effect of how one main event can impact our lives.  The fact that positive changes are listed also lend some validation to otherwise confusing emotions such as "I've just gotten a promotion, so why am I so stressed?" or "My kids are finally out of the house, so why am I miserable?"

Use the list to help get perspective on stress.  This act of kindness may go a long way to de-stressing.

Be well,

Rebecca

  

Riding the waves of life

“You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”  ― Jon Kabat-Zinn

Job loss.  Chronic pain.  Death of spouse.  Illness.  Cancer.  Fibromyalgia.  Traffic jam when you are trying to get home.

So much of life is out of our control.  Life is going to go about its business whether we like it or not.  We have choices around how we want to live it.  This does not mean what is troubling us isn't important.  It is important.  This does not mean it cannot impact us.  Life often does impact us.

Sometimes it is a matter of how we want to view our circumstances.  Sometimes it is not so simple as changing our viewpoint and we need to go to a trusted friend, therapist, pastor, spouse.  Sometimes it takes a while before the sting of our situation goes away.  Sometimes quite a while.

Give yourself a moment to image what life will be like when you are past whatever is difficult.  Imagine it in the fullest detail.  Nothing lasts forever, not this bad day, not this difficult moment.

Be well,

Rebecca

Change

The world is in flux.  We all know this.  If a day goes by when we are not experiencing it ourselves, then the grapevine is there to remind us.  Whether it be the morning news, a favorite newspaper subscription on a trusty Nook, or the man standing next in line at the grocery, we can be sure we will be kept abreast of the many changes around us.

For many, change is uncomfortable.  Change shines a spotlight on a simple truth in life: much of life is out of our control.  The anxiety of it all can be enough to keep us awake at night, feed an underlying current of tension, or flat-out scare the pants off us.

With every passing day, every passing hour, every passing minute - there is change.

So if change is going to happen regardless of our efforts, what are we to do?

Breathe.

It is simple, really.  If we can take even three seconds to follow the breath, it brings us back to the steady rhythm that is life.  When we breathe, we are nourishing our bodies.  When we breathe, can ease tension.  When we breathe, we are reminded that even the breath changes.

Life is not without a sense of humor.

By focusing on this steady companion - our breath - we are reminded that change is natural.  It is worthy of our observation.  And it has a rhythm that we all share.

Give it a try.  Before flying out of bed each morning, simply take three breaths.  Perhaps notice the temperature of the air entering your nostrils and the temperature of the air as it leaves your body.  Three small, mindful breaths in the morning.  That change, at least, isn't so bad after all.


Rebecca