What to tell kids about divorce

Divorce happens.  With the amount of pressure people are under, it seems to be happening a bit more these days.  The adults' own feelings about the divorce are a big enough of an undertaking, but what and when to tell your children is an important component to consider.

Just like when communicating with children about other big events in life (illness in the family, moving, new sibling), it is important to remember a few things:

1) Keep the content age appropriate.  Use words that are typical for that child's everyday language.

2) Answer questions honestly, even if the answer if "I don't know, but I know you'll be ok."

3) Tell children in different age groups separately to attend effectively to their varying needs.

4) Practice aloud in your car or someplace private so that you can be as clear and calm as possible when speaking to your children.

5) Avoid language that might put your child in the middle.

For more tips, here is a great introductory article in Family Education.

If needed, be sure to enlist the help of a qualified professional in your area to support you or your children. With the school year coming up, be sure to inform teachers and school social workers so they can look out for your children during the day.  This is a big change for everybody involved.  Be sure to take good care and access any resources you need.

Be well,

Rebecca

How stressed are you?

Let me preface this post by saying that "stress" can take on a variety of meanings.  How we experience stress largely has to do with the nature of the stressor and our own personalities. 

In 1967, psychiatrists Holmes & Rahe set out to study the relationship between stress and illness.  They surveyed 5,000 people and asked if they had experienced any of a list life events in the previous two years.  Through the study, they were able to rank stressful life events from most stressful to the least.  Here is what they came up with from most stressful to least:

1. Death of Spouse
2. Divorce
3. Marital Separation
4. Jail term
5. Death of close family member
6. Personal injury, illness (I add chronic pain to this one)
7. Marriage
8. Fired at work
9. Marital reconciliation
10. Retirement
11. Change in health of family member
12. Pregnancy
13. Sex difficulties
14. Gain of new family member
15. Business readjustment
16. Change in financial state
17. Death of close friend
18. Change to a different line of work
19. Change in number of arguments with spouse
20. A large mortgage or loan
21. Foreclosure of mortgage
22. Change in responsibilities at work
23. Son or daughter leaving home
24. Trouble with in-laws
25. Outstanding personal achievement
26. Spouse begins or stops work
27. Begin or end school/college
28. Change in living conditions
29. Revision of personal habits
30. Trouble with boss
31. Change in work hours
32. Change in residence
33. Change in school/college
34. Change in recreation
35. Change in church activities
36. A moderate loan or mortgage
37. Change in sleeping habits
38. Change in number of family get-togethers
39. Change in eating habits
40. Vacation
41. Christmas
42. Minor violation of law

If you take a quick scan of this list, you may be surprised that positive events such as getting married, conceiving or retirement are near the top of the list.  Why?  Because even joyous occasions such as getting married, an outstanding personal achievement, or promotion create change in our daily routines. When our daily routine are altered by even something wonderful, we may become busier with all of the exciting things that are happening, we may be spending more money, we may be busier with preparations. The theme here is change. 
The other note about this list, is that people are multi-faceted.  When we take a look at ourselves from a holistic point of view, it makes sense that one event would effect the overall balance in our lives.  For example, chronic pain as a "stressful event" could effect sleeping habits, change in recreation, etc.  Change in responsibilities at work could create difficulties in change in recreation, change in work hours, etc.

How can this list be helpful?

Sometimes when overwhelmed, it can help to break it down, to see the trickling effect of how one main event can impact our lives.  The fact that positive changes are listed also lend some validation to otherwise confusing emotions such as "I've just gotten a promotion, so why am I so stressed?" or "My kids are finally out of the house, so why am I miserable?"

Use the list to help get perspective on stress.  This act of kindness may go a long way to de-stressing.

Be well,

Rebecca