You are whole and other truths

In my life, in my work, there is a quote I keep close to my heart:

"As long as you're breathing, there is more right with you than wrong with you, no matter what is wrong with you." - Kabat-Zinn

What does this mean?  It means that divorce, childhood trauma, parenting an oppositional teen, chronic pain, job loss, panic attacks, depression - there is still more right with you than there is wrong.

No matter our history, our successes and failures, we are already whole.  And the courage to be whole, to look at what inside pains the most, to let it exist alongside what brings the greatest joy, that is moment of the greatest potential.

So often people try to hide the parts of themselves they are ashamed of.  They try to ignore their fear.  Stuff their sadness.  We want to be good.  We want to be happy.

And what does volumes of research over decades show?

You want to be happy?  Accept you won't always be happy.  It is impossible.  Want to stop feeling afraid?  Be willing to feel your fear, get into it, and see what its about.  Fear, shame, sadness, it only grows with neglect. 

Embracing who we are, being open to the good and the ugly in each of us, therein lies the wisdom that there is indeed, more right with us than there is wrong with us.

- Rebecca

I am an early bird.  Always have been.  There is something truly inspiring for me to begin my day in total silence.  In the morning, before the rest of the household wakes, the tiniest sound is clear - the birds outside, the filling of my glass of water, the skritch of my pencil as I write, or my feet moving on my mat.

Being an early bird, I often see the sun rising.  Like a sunflower, I find myself facing the light as it filters through the trees behind my house.  What more promise is there in a sunrise.

When things are hard or busy, and it feels like there are too many things to do, a simple reminder that tomorrow is a new day, that the sun will predictably rise again, can make all the difference in changing suffering into thriving.

But sometimes, on those really, really hard days, tomorrow's sunrise can be too far away.

Here is an idea from Daily OM on bringing the sunrise into any moment:

One simple way to do this is to carry an image or a photograph of the rising sun with us in our wallet or purse. We can also post this image on our wall at work or at home, or have it as our screensaver on our computer. When we feel the need to start fresh, we can take a moment to gaze at the image, allowing its light to enter into our hearts. As we do this, we might say out loud or quietly to ourselves, I am ready to let go of the past and start anew. We might visualize anything we want to release leaving us as we exhale, and as we inhale, we can take in the fresh energy of the eastern sun, allowing it to light the way to a brand-new day.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

Rebecca

Are your thoughts stressing you out?

Imagine if we had the ability to create our realities with just our thoughts.  We could think our way to financial stability, greater health, extreme happiness. While our reality cannot simply appear through mere thoughts, we do have an incredible amount of control over our thoughts and how we choose to perceive what is happening in our lives.

Aaron Beck, psychiatrist and professor, is considered the founding father of Cognitive Behavior Therapy.  His model "describes how people’s perceptions of, or spontaneous thoughts about, situations influence their emotional, behavioral (and often physiological) reactions."

Hundreds of clinical trials and research shows that by addressing our thoughts and the behaviors that follow, we are able to successfully ameliorate a wide range of difficulties such as depression, anxiety, emotional and behavioral components of chronic pain & illness, stress, anger, relationship difficulties, eating disorders, substance abuse, parenting and the list goes on.

Here are some of the top thought patterns that can stand in our way:

ALL OR NOTHING THINKING
       
Thinking of things in terms of "always", "every", or "never".  For example, if a mother thinks to herself, "My son is always acting up.", she is likely to parent from this clouded vision and not look at the whole picture.  Is it possible for a child to ALWAYS act up?  Not when they are sleeping.   But if a parent cannot allow herself to see the good times, she is more likely to miss them.


MENTAL FILTER

Focusing on only certain, usually negative, aspects of something.  For example, if a woman experiencing financial stress and decides to take on a second job, her mental filter might be, "Yes, but it is so low paying."  Rather than, "I am so grateful to have this second job."  It can be difficult being around people with this kind of mental filter.  They are often considered "negative" or to be "complaining all of the time".  It is always possible to find something positive even if it is just the fact the sun is shining or I have a good friend.


SHOULDING

This is a form of judgment geared either towards oneself or another.  A close relative to All or Nothing Thinking, Shoulding looks something like this, "That mom should put her kid in a time out." or "I should have known she would have divorced me."  Should does not leave a lot of room for our humanness.  As a wise woman once told me, "We know nothing."  We cannot know the entire picture of what is going on for a mom with a tantruming child in the grocery.  And we cannot possibly be able to predict the actions of another.


PERSONALIZATION

It is considered "the mother of guilt".  This is where one person holds themselves solely responsible for an event that isn't under their control. Examples would be "I made him get mad.", "My cancer is my fault.", "I was too critical and now she can't stop drinking."  A good anecdote to this one is to gently, with a sense of humor, remind ourselves that none of us are the center of the galaxy.  The sun has dibs on that one. 


See if you can catch yourself making any of these false thoughts.  As always, if you are experiencing difficulties, contact a profesisonal in your area.

Be well,

Rebecca

How stressed are you?

Let me preface this post by saying that "stress" can take on a variety of meanings.  How we experience stress largely has to do with the nature of the stressor and our own personalities. 

In 1967, psychiatrists Holmes & Rahe set out to study the relationship between stress and illness.  They surveyed 5,000 people and asked if they had experienced any of a list life events in the previous two years.  Through the study, they were able to rank stressful life events from most stressful to the least.  Here is what they came up with from most stressful to least:

1. Death of Spouse
2. Divorce
3. Marital Separation
4. Jail term
5. Death of close family member
6. Personal injury, illness (I add chronic pain to this one)
7. Marriage
8. Fired at work
9. Marital reconciliation
10. Retirement
11. Change in health of family member
12. Pregnancy
13. Sex difficulties
14. Gain of new family member
15. Business readjustment
16. Change in financial state
17. Death of close friend
18. Change to a different line of work
19. Change in number of arguments with spouse
20. A large mortgage or loan
21. Foreclosure of mortgage
22. Change in responsibilities at work
23. Son or daughter leaving home
24. Trouble with in-laws
25. Outstanding personal achievement
26. Spouse begins or stops work
27. Begin or end school/college
28. Change in living conditions
29. Revision of personal habits
30. Trouble with boss
31. Change in work hours
32. Change in residence
33. Change in school/college
34. Change in recreation
35. Change in church activities
36. A moderate loan or mortgage
37. Change in sleeping habits
38. Change in number of family get-togethers
39. Change in eating habits
40. Vacation
41. Christmas
42. Minor violation of law

If you take a quick scan of this list, you may be surprised that positive events such as getting married, conceiving or retirement are near the top of the list.  Why?  Because even joyous occasions such as getting married, an outstanding personal achievement, or promotion create change in our daily routines. When our daily routine are altered by even something wonderful, we may become busier with all of the exciting things that are happening, we may be spending more money, we may be busier with preparations. The theme here is change. 
The other note about this list, is that people are multi-faceted.  When we take a look at ourselves from a holistic point of view, it makes sense that one event would effect the overall balance in our lives.  For example, chronic pain as a "stressful event" could effect sleeping habits, change in recreation, etc.  Change in responsibilities at work could create difficulties in change in recreation, change in work hours, etc.

How can this list be helpful?

Sometimes when overwhelmed, it can help to break it down, to see the trickling effect of how one main event can impact our lives.  The fact that positive changes are listed also lend some validation to otherwise confusing emotions such as "I've just gotten a promotion, so why am I so stressed?" or "My kids are finally out of the house, so why am I miserable?"

Use the list to help get perspective on stress.  This act of kindness may go a long way to de-stressing.

Be well,

Rebecca

  

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”

― Thich Nhat Hanh