What to tell kids about divorce

Divorce happens.  With the amount of pressure people are under, it seems to be happening a bit more these days.  The adults' own feelings about the divorce are a big enough of an undertaking, but what and when to tell your children is an important component to consider.

Just like when communicating with children about other big events in life (illness in the family, moving, new sibling), it is important to remember a few things:

1) Keep the content age appropriate.  Use words that are typical for that child's everyday language.

2) Answer questions honestly, even if the answer if "I don't know, but I know you'll be ok."

3) Tell children in different age groups separately to attend effectively to their varying needs.

4) Practice aloud in your car or someplace private so that you can be as clear and calm as possible when speaking to your children.

5) Avoid language that might put your child in the middle.

For more tips, here is a great introductory article in Family Education.

If needed, be sure to enlist the help of a qualified professional in your area to support you or your children. With the school year coming up, be sure to inform teachers and school social workers so they can look out for your children during the day.  This is a big change for everybody involved.  Be sure to take good care and access any resources you need.

Be well,

Rebecca

Parents still have sex?

Research shows that 70% of married couples experience a significant decrease in relational and sexual intimacy after the birth of their first child.

It is all well and good for couples to know that many parents experience less connection in their marriage.  Add jobs, housework, stress and it makes it even more difficult to connect in your marriage.  Honestly, how many parents of young children even have the energy at the end of the day for some serious connecting?

FamilyEducation.com offers these 10 tips to spice up your marriage.

1. Hold hands

2. Be romantic at home - Romance doesn't necessarily mean anything grand.  Being loving can be very simple.

3. Make sex a priority - I would change that to make sensuality a priority.  Never know where a good back rub might take you.

4. Do some little gesture just because - A man I know brings his wife a cup of tea every night.  Every single night for over 30 years.  Little gestures add up to something wonderful.

5. Pretend you just met - Get to know each other on a date.  Yes, a real date where you go out, without spilled apple juice on your clothes, and talk about things that interest you - not how to get your picky eater to start liking broccoli.

6. Feel good about yourself - if you don't, do something about it!

7. Get dressed up - A friend has a running joke with her husband.  He says, "You're wearing make-up.  What friends are we seeing tonight?" 

8. Compliment your spouse - Everyone likes a compliment.  Don't go fishing for one, give one first.

9. Let your partner know what makes you feel special  - Sometimes what feels special changes over time.  Start by asking your partner what makes him or her feel special.

10. Communicate - anyway you can.  Text, notes tapes to the microwave, etc. - One busy couple I know uses a notebook to write notes back and forth.  Sometimes they are family business.  Sometimes cute doodles.  But it is connection when their schedules are full.


Be well,

Rebecca

Keeping connected in your marriage

Peter Fraenkel, PhD, psychotherapist and Professor of Clinical Psychology, author of Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage argues,

       "most relationship problems can be traced to partners being out of sync on the powerful but mostly hidden dimension of time." 

It is not too hard to see what he means.  More and more couples are becoming dual-earning families, kids needs shuffling around, financial stress abounds, and at the end of the day, there is still housework needs to be done.

There doesn't need to be illness, chronic pain, anxiety, or depression for couples to feel stressed in their marriage.  (Though certainly those things can exacerbate the issue.)

At a recent lecture I attended downtown, Fraenkel suggested the 60-Second Pleasure Points for couples to stay connected.

Here is how it works:

1. Brainstorm as a couple fun, pleasurable, and/or sensual things that can be done in 60-seconds.

2. Think of ways to connect when not together.  (i.e., texts to say hi, emails reminding each other of fun things you did when first married or dating, etc.)

3. Allot 60 seconds in morning, afternoon, and evening just to reconnect through any means.  A hug.  A kiss.  A text.  Or...  All it takes is 3 minutes a day.  Just three minutes. 


When you look at it three minutes really isn't too much to ask.  Have fun with it.  Three minutes a day may not be enough to solve more ingrained marital conflict or marriage issues.  In that case, consult with a qualified therapist or counselor in your area.  But when you look at the busy daily schedule you have, three minutes is completely achievable.

Have fun thinking of 60 minute pleasure points!

Rebecca 

How stressed are you?

Let me preface this post by saying that "stress" can take on a variety of meanings.  How we experience stress largely has to do with the nature of the stressor and our own personalities. 

In 1967, psychiatrists Holmes & Rahe set out to study the relationship between stress and illness.  They surveyed 5,000 people and asked if they had experienced any of a list life events in the previous two years.  Through the study, they were able to rank stressful life events from most stressful to the least.  Here is what they came up with from most stressful to least:

1. Death of Spouse
2. Divorce
3. Marital Separation
4. Jail term
5. Death of close family member
6. Personal injury, illness (I add chronic pain to this one)
7. Marriage
8. Fired at work
9. Marital reconciliation
10. Retirement
11. Change in health of family member
12. Pregnancy
13. Sex difficulties
14. Gain of new family member
15. Business readjustment
16. Change in financial state
17. Death of close friend
18. Change to a different line of work
19. Change in number of arguments with spouse
20. A large mortgage or loan
21. Foreclosure of mortgage
22. Change in responsibilities at work
23. Son or daughter leaving home
24. Trouble with in-laws
25. Outstanding personal achievement
26. Spouse begins or stops work
27. Begin or end school/college
28. Change in living conditions
29. Revision of personal habits
30. Trouble with boss
31. Change in work hours
32. Change in residence
33. Change in school/college
34. Change in recreation
35. Change in church activities
36. A moderate loan or mortgage
37. Change in sleeping habits
38. Change in number of family get-togethers
39. Change in eating habits
40. Vacation
41. Christmas
42. Minor violation of law

If you take a quick scan of this list, you may be surprised that positive events such as getting married, conceiving or retirement are near the top of the list.  Why?  Because even joyous occasions such as getting married, an outstanding personal achievement, or promotion create change in our daily routines. When our daily routine are altered by even something wonderful, we may become busier with all of the exciting things that are happening, we may be spending more money, we may be busier with preparations. The theme here is change. 
The other note about this list, is that people are multi-faceted.  When we take a look at ourselves from a holistic point of view, it makes sense that one event would effect the overall balance in our lives.  For example, chronic pain as a "stressful event" could effect sleeping habits, change in recreation, etc.  Change in responsibilities at work could create difficulties in change in recreation, change in work hours, etc.

How can this list be helpful?

Sometimes when overwhelmed, it can help to break it down, to see the trickling effect of how one main event can impact our lives.  The fact that positive changes are listed also lend some validation to otherwise confusing emotions such as "I've just gotten a promotion, so why am I so stressed?" or "My kids are finally out of the house, so why am I miserable?"

Use the list to help get perspective on stress.  This act of kindness may go a long way to de-stressing.

Be well,

Rebecca