"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." - Unknown

Wishing you peace for the new year,

Rebecca

You are whole and other truths

In my life, in my work, there is a quote I keep close to my heart:

"As long as you're breathing, there is more right with you than wrong with you, no matter what is wrong with you." - Kabat-Zinn

What does this mean?  It means that divorce, childhood trauma, parenting an oppositional teen, chronic pain, job loss, panic attacks, depression - there is still more right with you than there is wrong.

No matter our history, our successes and failures, we are already whole.  And the courage to be whole, to look at what inside pains the most, to let it exist alongside what brings the greatest joy, that is moment of the greatest potential.

So often people try to hide the parts of themselves they are ashamed of.  They try to ignore their fear.  Stuff their sadness.  We want to be good.  We want to be happy.

And what does volumes of research over decades show?

You want to be happy?  Accept you won't always be happy.  It is impossible.  Want to stop feeling afraid?  Be willing to feel your fear, get into it, and see what its about.  Fear, shame, sadness, it only grows with neglect. 

Embracing who we are, being open to the good and the ugly in each of us, therein lies the wisdom that there is indeed, more right with us than there is wrong with us.

- Rebecca

What happened to my sweet, adorable kid?

When our children are young, their never ending wonder at the world is contagious.  Just by walking alongside them, we are reminded of the wonder of spring, of the joy of counting all the way to 100, of how soothing it is to cuddle and read a book.  Having a child is, in my opinion, one of the most rewarding experiences we as human beings can go through.

Then somewhere along the line, things change.  Your child's beautiful eyes start to roll.  Songs you sang as a family become lame.  And the hero you once were in your child's eyes morphs into someone archaic, annoying, and embarrassing. 

Where once your child held your hand to cross the street, you are now instructed - in not-so-subtle ways - to drop them off a block from the mall, not to text them under any circumstances, and please, for the love of all that is good in the world, do NOT call their friends' parents to make sure a parent is going to be home.


Your little one is gone and has been replaced by a lunatic spewing obscenities and sass.

Your child grew into an adolescent and you couldn't be more heart broken.

I will defer to the expertise of Dr. Michael Bradley to explain this transformation:


"Teenagerdom" happened. A growing body of neurological research shows quite clearly that teen brains undergo previously unknown, complex changes that account for many of the perplexing behaviors that have always worried parents of teens. These changes temporarily whack many aspects of kids’ lives to include their organization skills, regulation of emotions, motivation, and, last but not least, impulse control. If you picture yourself trying to live in a house that's undergoing massive renovations, you have a sense of what life is often like for a young teen: Nothing works right, you can't find what you need, and sometimes the chaos makes you just want to scream."


In short, as Dr. Bradley would say, adolescents are crazy.  While that adds some understanding to why you are standing outside a locked bathroom door insisting it be unlocked, it may also help to shed light on one simple truth:

It is ok, and common, and completely natural to grieve the loss of your sweet child.  A big change has happened and all of the warm, cozy feelings you might have gotten from parenting your little one is gone.  Its like you've been eating the best European chocolate all of these years and now - no sweets for you.

A common reaction to feelings of rejection and pain?  To go the other way.  So often parents take their teen's expletives as a sign they should retreat.  On the contrary.  Your adolescent needs you more than ever.  They need someone brave enough to hold a candle for values.  To hold a sign that says they are loved no matter what (though don't really hold a sign up, lest you embarrass the heck out of them).  See their kicking back as a strengthening exercise for when they need to navigate their lives on their own two strong legs.  Give them space but don't disappear.  Tend to your sadness (and perhaps consequential anger) and know that, in time, this too shall pass.

Best to you,

Rebecca