To me, courage is not feeling like a big, strong roaring lion as you charge fearlessly toward the thing that it is that you so deeply desire.
Courage is feeling small, powerless, screaming at the top of your lungs and risking for that thing you desire anyway.
If we already felt like lions, we wouldn't need courage.
It is too easy to shy away from things that are hard. It is too easy to close our eyes to what we fear we won't get, become, achieve. It is too easy to give in to the fear that it might not work out.
Courage, is doing it anyway. It is the doing it, the risking it, the working for it with your whole heart that is fully living. Sitting on the couch and pretending you don't really want it anyway, is seldom the kind of life people really, deep down want.
We all fail. And sometimes we fail big. But showing up in our lives, working for what we desire, taking the risk, doing it anyway...that is courage.
And we are all born with the capacity for courage.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
A quote
There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.
- Martha Graham
- Martha Graham
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Crossed wires
"Finna puddin'."
I turned from the kitchen sink, the water still running and asked my husband, "What's finna puddin'?"
My husband had just woken up. He was still sleepy after too many days in a row of too much work and not enough sleep.
I had exactly 4 minutes to wash the water bottle, fill it, pack the backpack, convince my child that yes, you need to put shoes on now or you'll be late for school, get dressed, throw on shoes, grab my purse and keys and fly out the door.
Sleepy mumbling husband and frantic wife do not make for good communication at 7:56 in the morning.
"Finna puddin'."
This small phrase reminded me of how many times wires get crossed in communication, how many times we, as humans, are convinced that we know exactly what the other person is saying. And how many times our own experiences get in the way of actually hearing the other person.
A simple "I thought the other dress was just fine," could unleash upon a well-meaning husband a deluge of tears from a wife who is feeling insecure about her weight. "I thought the other dress was fine" to her sounds like a nice way of saying, "You look fatter in that one."
A heartfelt, "This isn't working for us," from a wife could cause a husband whose own parents went through a bitter divorce to enter a full blown panic attack when all his wife meant was perhaps they needed to increase the number of dates they were having each month. "This isn't working for us" suddenly sounds to him like, "I'm leaving you."
"Finna puddin'"
Like my husband is not typically a morning person and I was overwhelmed with the pre-school day rush, so often our own perceptions, past experiences, hot spots, fears, insecurities can cause us to hear something other than what is actually being said.
"Finna puddin'" can hurt feelings, start an argument, end a friendship, put a rift between boss and employee, start a war.
It takes the willingness to stop and really connect with the person talking, to be still and open and sometimes even check in, "Do you mean I look fat in this dress?" "Are you thinking of leaving me?" and then being willing to hear, truly hear the answer. Connectedness and clear communication sometimes requires us to be aware of our hot spots, our insecurities, our filters.
Try it out. Call a friend and do nothing but listen to what he is saying. Put the iPhone down and look at your husband while he tells you about his day. Listen to the tone in the cashier's voice when you ask her how she is today.
"Finna puddin'"
"What's finna puddin'?"
My husband laughed. "The proof is in the pudding."
I know it is a saying but I don't really know what it means. But that is another post for another day.
I turned from the kitchen sink, the water still running and asked my husband, "What's finna puddin'?"
My husband had just woken up. He was still sleepy after too many days in a row of too much work and not enough sleep.
I had exactly 4 minutes to wash the water bottle, fill it, pack the backpack, convince my child that yes, you need to put shoes on now or you'll be late for school, get dressed, throw on shoes, grab my purse and keys and fly out the door.
Sleepy mumbling husband and frantic wife do not make for good communication at 7:56 in the morning.
"Finna puddin'."
This small phrase reminded me of how many times wires get crossed in communication, how many times we, as humans, are convinced that we know exactly what the other person is saying. And how many times our own experiences get in the way of actually hearing the other person.
A simple "I thought the other dress was just fine," could unleash upon a well-meaning husband a deluge of tears from a wife who is feeling insecure about her weight. "I thought the other dress was fine" to her sounds like a nice way of saying, "You look fatter in that one."
A heartfelt, "This isn't working for us," from a wife could cause a husband whose own parents went through a bitter divorce to enter a full blown panic attack when all his wife meant was perhaps they needed to increase the number of dates they were having each month. "This isn't working for us" suddenly sounds to him like, "I'm leaving you."
"Finna puddin'"
Like my husband is not typically a morning person and I was overwhelmed with the pre-school day rush, so often our own perceptions, past experiences, hot spots, fears, insecurities can cause us to hear something other than what is actually being said.
"Finna puddin'" can hurt feelings, start an argument, end a friendship, put a rift between boss and employee, start a war.
It takes the willingness to stop and really connect with the person talking, to be still and open and sometimes even check in, "Do you mean I look fat in this dress?" "Are you thinking of leaving me?" and then being willing to hear, truly hear the answer. Connectedness and clear communication sometimes requires us to be aware of our hot spots, our insecurities, our filters.
Try it out. Call a friend and do nothing but listen to what he is saying. Put the iPhone down and look at your husband while he tells you about his day. Listen to the tone in the cashier's voice when you ask her how she is today.
"Finna puddin'"
"What's finna puddin'?"
My husband laughed. "The proof is in the pudding."
I know it is a saying but I don't really know what it means. But that is another post for another day.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Pain and Suffering
Pain.
Physical pain. Heartbreak. Job loss. Illness. Loss.
To some degree it doesn't matter what the pain is. It still hurts.
When we work on pain, we look at two levels or layers of pain.
The first is the primary pain. The actual physical sensation within the body. The fact your husband just walked out the door. Your best friend died. This is the primary, source of the pain.
The second layer of pain has to do with the impact the primary pain has on your life, the way we experience it, think about it, feel about it, and adjust your daily life because of it. For example, a car accident leaves you with chronic back pain related to an injury sustained from the crash. The secondary pain may be: inability to perform the job you had before the accident, inability to play softball on the team you loved, irritability from always being uncomfortable, anger that the other driver ran the red light and was drinking, fear to drive again, avoidance of social events that would require you to drive, avoidance of that intersection, depression from losing the life you were enjoying...this secondary pain is referred to as suffering.
A team of the world's best doctors might not be able to put your back (life) together the way it was. The nation's supply of medications may not be able to make the pain go away. There may be nothing that can be done about the primary pain - the accident, physical pain, sudden divorce.
But we can work with the secondary pain. We can take a look at the suffering and with care and attention and commitment, evolve from suffering into living again.
We always have the choice. We can participate in the loss of our lives. Or we can choose to live. It may not look like we thought it might. It may not be even close to what we dreamed of. And it is ok to grieve the loss of that. But in time, we know from experience, that we can put life back on the table - a life that is fulfilling and well worth living.
Isn't it worth a shot?
Physical pain. Heartbreak. Job loss. Illness. Loss.
To some degree it doesn't matter what the pain is. It still hurts.
When we work on pain, we look at two levels or layers of pain.
The first is the primary pain. The actual physical sensation within the body. The fact your husband just walked out the door. Your best friend died. This is the primary, source of the pain.
The second layer of pain has to do with the impact the primary pain has on your life, the way we experience it, think about it, feel about it, and adjust your daily life because of it. For example, a car accident leaves you with chronic back pain related to an injury sustained from the crash. The secondary pain may be: inability to perform the job you had before the accident, inability to play softball on the team you loved, irritability from always being uncomfortable, anger that the other driver ran the red light and was drinking, fear to drive again, avoidance of social events that would require you to drive, avoidance of that intersection, depression from losing the life you were enjoying...this secondary pain is referred to as suffering.
A team of the world's best doctors might not be able to put your back (life) together the way it was. The nation's supply of medications may not be able to make the pain go away. There may be nothing that can be done about the primary pain - the accident, physical pain, sudden divorce.
But we can work with the secondary pain. We can take a look at the suffering and with care and attention and commitment, evolve from suffering into living again.
We always have the choice. We can participate in the loss of our lives. Or we can choose to live. It may not look like we thought it might. It may not be even close to what we dreamed of. And it is ok to grieve the loss of that. But in time, we know from experience, that we can put life back on the table - a life that is fulfilling and well worth living.
Isn't it worth a shot?
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Announcement
I am very pleased to announce the expansion of my practice. In addition to my office in Arlington Heights, I am now also seeing clients in Gurnee.
Office locations:
3255 N. Arlington Heights, Suite 512
Arlington Heights, IL 60004
tel. 630.212.2090
Serving Arlington Heights, Buffalo Grove,
Deer Park, Deerfield, Hoffman Estates,
Kildeer, Lake Zurich, Long Grove, Mt. Prospect,
Palatine, Prospect Heights, Schaumburg,
and Wheeling and surrounding area.
135 N. Greenleaf Ave., Suite 208
Gurnee, IL 60031
tel. 630.212.2090
Serving Antioch, Grayslake, Gurnee, Kenosha,
Lake Forest, Lake Villa, Libertyville, North
Chicago, Roundlake, Waukegan, Zion and surrounding
area.
Office locations:
3255 N. Arlington Heights, Suite 512
Arlington Heights, IL 60004
tel. 630.212.2090
Serving Arlington Heights, Buffalo Grove,
Deer Park, Deerfield, Hoffman Estates,
Kildeer, Lake Zurich, Long Grove, Mt. Prospect,
Palatine, Prospect Heights, Schaumburg,
and Wheeling and surrounding area.
135 N. Greenleaf Ave., Suite 208
Gurnee, IL 60031
tel. 630.212.2090
Serving Antioch, Grayslake, Gurnee, Kenosha,
Lake Forest, Lake Villa, Libertyville, North
Chicago, Roundlake, Waukegan, Zion and surrounding
area.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hold in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
~Portia Nelson
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hold in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.
~Portia Nelson
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Mindfulness Demystified
"Mindfulness" has, in recent years, become a new buzz word. And even though we may only have a vague sense of what mindfulness is, we know it has something to do with paying attention to what is happening right now.
Easier said than done.
The habit of running around and doing fifteen things at once seems to be the norm and we are so used to it that when someone says, "Just pay attention to what is happening right now.", our responses are typically somewhere in the realm of, "But how?"
How
One way to begin is to just stop moving, stop talking, texting, emailing, whatever and just check in. Where are you? How does it feel to be you right now? How does your body feel? Are you breathing?
Do it some more.
Set a timer on your phone or stove to go off every hour. When it goes off, stop. Listen, feel, breathe, check-in.
There is no specific way you should feel, there is nothing to change. When that timer goes off and you stop, just pay attention. Nothing more.
Why?
Because as Jon Kabat-Zinn reminds us, "In order to live life fully, you have to be present for it."
Each and every one of us did this naturally as infants, and toddlers, as small children. There's no reason we cannot get back to living fully, presently.
Easier said than done.
The habit of running around and doing fifteen things at once seems to be the norm and we are so used to it that when someone says, "Just pay attention to what is happening right now.", our responses are typically somewhere in the realm of, "But how?"
How
One way to begin is to just stop moving, stop talking, texting, emailing, whatever and just check in. Where are you? How does it feel to be you right now? How does your body feel? Are you breathing?
Do it some more.
Set a timer on your phone or stove to go off every hour. When it goes off, stop. Listen, feel, breathe, check-in.
There is no specific way you should feel, there is nothing to change. When that timer goes off and you stop, just pay attention. Nothing more.
Why?
Because as Jon Kabat-Zinn reminds us, "In order to live life fully, you have to be present for it."
Each and every one of us did this naturally as infants, and toddlers, as small children. There's no reason we cannot get back to living fully, presently.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
The Teen Brain - Why Your Teen Is Crazy
It is not by coincidence that car rental companies do not rent to drivers under 25.
According to National Institutes of Health research scientist Dr. Jay Giedd, the teen brain is under construction beginning 11 for girls and 13 for boys. During that time, the part of the brain that governs impulse control, judgement, and decision-making doesn't fully develop until 25.
As Michael Bradley, Ed.D. says, "Mother nature...has a sense of humor because the renovations are done in the wrong order. She starts in the back with the social and emotional needs (impulses, risk-taking, sexual drives). The prefrontal cortex (executive functioning, logical decision-making) develops later. Some joke!"
What does this mean for a parent?
Your teen is in a high risk-taking and high sexual drive phase BEFORE she has the ability to make logical, healthy decisions. It does well to remember, your teen doesn't mean to act crazy, she doesn't mean to drive YOU crazy. You're in this together, and with some patience, love, and healthy boundaries, you'll make it out of it together.
Be well,
Rebecca
According to National Institutes of Health research scientist Dr. Jay Giedd, the teen brain is under construction beginning 11 for girls and 13 for boys. During that time, the part of the brain that governs impulse control, judgement, and decision-making doesn't fully develop until 25.
As Michael Bradley, Ed.D. says, "Mother nature...has a sense of humor because the renovations are done in the wrong order. She starts in the back with the social and emotional needs (impulses, risk-taking, sexual drives). The prefrontal cortex (executive functioning, logical decision-making) develops later. Some joke!"
What does this mean for a parent?
Your teen is in a high risk-taking and high sexual drive phase BEFORE she has the ability to make logical, healthy decisions. It does well to remember, your teen doesn't mean to act crazy, she doesn't mean to drive YOU crazy. You're in this together, and with some patience, love, and healthy boundaries, you'll make it out of it together.
Be well,
Rebecca
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)