"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." - Unknown

Wishing you peace for the new year,

Rebecca

You are whole and other truths

In my life, in my work, there is a quote I keep close to my heart:

"As long as you're breathing, there is more right with you than wrong with you, no matter what is wrong with you." - Kabat-Zinn

What does this mean?  It means that divorce, childhood trauma, parenting an oppositional teen, chronic pain, job loss, panic attacks, depression - there is still more right with you than there is wrong.

No matter our history, our successes and failures, we are already whole.  And the courage to be whole, to look at what inside pains the most, to let it exist alongside what brings the greatest joy, that is moment of the greatest potential.

So often people try to hide the parts of themselves they are ashamed of.  They try to ignore their fear.  Stuff their sadness.  We want to be good.  We want to be happy.

And what does volumes of research over decades show?

You want to be happy?  Accept you won't always be happy.  It is impossible.  Want to stop feeling afraid?  Be willing to feel your fear, get into it, and see what its about.  Fear, shame, sadness, it only grows with neglect. 

Embracing who we are, being open to the good and the ugly in each of us, therein lies the wisdom that there is indeed, more right with us than there is wrong with us.

- Rebecca

What happened to my sweet, adorable kid?

When our children are young, their never ending wonder at the world is contagious.  Just by walking alongside them, we are reminded of the wonder of spring, of the joy of counting all the way to 100, of how soothing it is to cuddle and read a book.  Having a child is, in my opinion, one of the most rewarding experiences we as human beings can go through.

Then somewhere along the line, things change.  Your child's beautiful eyes start to roll.  Songs you sang as a family become lame.  And the hero you once were in your child's eyes morphs into someone archaic, annoying, and embarrassing. 

Where once your child held your hand to cross the street, you are now instructed - in not-so-subtle ways - to drop them off a block from the mall, not to text them under any circumstances, and please, for the love of all that is good in the world, do NOT call their friends' parents to make sure a parent is going to be home.


Your little one is gone and has been replaced by a lunatic spewing obscenities and sass.

Your child grew into an adolescent and you couldn't be more heart broken.

I will defer to the expertise of Dr. Michael Bradley to explain this transformation:


"Teenagerdom" happened. A growing body of neurological research shows quite clearly that teen brains undergo previously unknown, complex changes that account for many of the perplexing behaviors that have always worried parents of teens. These changes temporarily whack many aspects of kids’ lives to include their organization skills, regulation of emotions, motivation, and, last but not least, impulse control. If you picture yourself trying to live in a house that's undergoing massive renovations, you have a sense of what life is often like for a young teen: Nothing works right, you can't find what you need, and sometimes the chaos makes you just want to scream."


In short, as Dr. Bradley would say, adolescents are crazy.  While that adds some understanding to why you are standing outside a locked bathroom door insisting it be unlocked, it may also help to shed light on one simple truth:

It is ok, and common, and completely natural to grieve the loss of your sweet child.  A big change has happened and all of the warm, cozy feelings you might have gotten from parenting your little one is gone.  Its like you've been eating the best European chocolate all of these years and now - no sweets for you.

A common reaction to feelings of rejection and pain?  To go the other way.  So often parents take their teen's expletives as a sign they should retreat.  On the contrary.  Your adolescent needs you more than ever.  They need someone brave enough to hold a candle for values.  To hold a sign that says they are loved no matter what (though don't really hold a sign up, lest you embarrass the heck out of them).  See their kicking back as a strengthening exercise for when they need to navigate their lives on their own two strong legs.  Give them space but don't disappear.  Tend to your sadness (and perhaps consequential anger) and know that, in time, this too shall pass.

Best to you,

Rebecca

Children and Gratitude

It is around now that I start thinking about the difference between need and want.  When I was a kid, my brother and I would gather all of the catalogues we had in the house and circle everything we wanted for Christmas.  Kids are still kids and the catalogues keep on coming.

It seems to me that there is the potential for more this time of year: more gratitude, more heart, more community. 

Here are some ideas of bringing more of what counts into the lives of ourselves and our families:


Gratitiude

Research has been done that shows thankfulness and gratitiude can improve a person's health, help them sleep better, and stay connected with a sense of community when feeling low. 

This is what Jennifer Miller suggests: "Make a point before each member of the family goes off to school and work to look for specific ways to appreciate them."

How about a note of gratitiude in school lunches?



Interdependence

Polly Young-Eisendrath, author of The Self-Esteem Trap, says that when children feel a part of something larger, and the interconnectedness bewteen us all, they have a healthier sense of self.

To give children a true sense of contribution, plan a task that will require a little elbow grease.  Bundle up and go for a walk together in the neighborhood collecting pennies for The World Wildlife Fund.  Go through outgrown hats and gloves and bring them to a nearby women's shelter.  Or maybe make cards to bring to the nearest nursing home.  These small gestures, help give children a sense that we are all in this together.


Heart

To know my husband well is to know that he loves to sing.  In the shower, making breakfast, during stressful times, and definitely around the holidays, my husband brings music into our homes.  (Thank goodness he has a beautiful singing voice!)  Music, singing puts smiles on people's faces and lifts the hearts of many. 

Gather a group of people to go singing this holiday season.  You can sing in your neighborhood, local elderly community, or I've even heard of kids singing at no-kill animal shelters.  Or like Clark Griswald would surely tell us, sing in the car.

Not the singing type?  Think of other ways to bring heart to your holidays.  What greater gift is there than love?


Peace to you and those you love,

Rebecca

 

Gratitude for Work

A practice taken from Donald Altman's fantastic resource and guide  One-Minute Mindfulness:



"Make a list of everything you can be grateful for in your work.  You can start by listing all of the things that your work makes possible in your life: a car, a roof over your head, running water, electricity, medical benefits for you and your family, and so on.  Don't be stingy with your gratitude as you consider all that your work provides for you.  Carry the list with you to remind yourself what your job means for you and others in your life."



Be well,

Rebecca

"Dwell in possibility." - Emily Dickinson

Great book for teen girls

To make a great book for teen girls, it takes a certain amount of balance between useful and accessible.  Here is a recent find that I would recommend to most teen girls.

My Feet Aren't Ugly  by Debra Beck is informative without being preachy.  Full of activities, advice, and education for teen girls, I think it is a good resource for most any teen girl.  It covers dating, friends, sex, spiritual, creativity, and more.

And with that title, you'll never forget it!

Rebecca